Silence

{A poem about the past and my difficult relationship with memories. I want and need to let go but don't know how.}


Photographs start spiraling
In my mind, dancing, haunting
But I am not ready for the nostalgic trip
I stop the music
And push two plugs in my ears

Silence.
I want silence
More than ever
The cotton and distance
My buffer.

Present!
Not past – not future
I want this and now and nothing else
Curl in the blanket
Skin on skin and please
No dream

I want to be free
I want no memory.
Past questions me
Endlessly.

Why, and how did you do this
Did you let this happen
Did you want that
Did you did you was it you?

I can't deny.
It was, it is me.
How then can I reconcile
My story?

Past questions you.
Why and how
Would it be different now?
How can I know?

The answers puzzle me.
I can't really make sense of them.
My past is either too dead
Or too vivid for me to understand.

So I want

Silence.